Please check and ensure none of the following appears on your CV:

ACHIEVEMENTS – “I came first in the school long distance race”
HOBBIES – “Horse rideing,like going pub when havent got my kids.looking after kids and doing stuff with them when they anit at school.”
EMAIL ADDRESS – Lazysod@……
ACHIEVEMENTS – “Being sober”
ABOUT ME – “My favourite colour is Toupe, cos it rhymes with Dope”
REASON FOR LEAVING – “It was hard work”
PERSONAL PROFILE – “I be no stranger to double-entry. I loves numbers, and my wife and I loves journals and ledgers! Can also do tricky sums when I puts my mind to it. Computor litrate.”
COVERING LETTER – “This is my CV I am intrested in any job opening use have avaiable if u could please send a vercation that you reciceved the email”
PERSONAL PROFILE – “I do have convictions (drug offences) which are spent some 30 years ago for when I was 16-18 and have a caution for 4 years ago for criminal damage”
HOBBIES – “Marital Arts” (Possibly meant martial arts?)
KEY SKILLS – “Perfectionist with a keen I for details.”
HOBBIES – “Space Travel”
EMAIL ADDRESS – Batfacedgirl@………..
EMPLOYMENT HISTORY – “Whilst working in this role, I had intercourse with a variety of people”
HOBBIES – “i like playing sport, which i fined gives me a winning appitite for life’”
KEY SKILLS: “I would like to assure you that I am a hardly working person.”
HOBBIES – “enjoy cooking Chinese and Italians”
JOB HISTORY – “Career break in 1999 to renovate my horse”
SKILLS – “Fantastic ability in multi-tasting.”
SIZE OF EMPLOYER: “Very tall, probably over 6’5″.”
SKILLS – “Speak English and Spinach.”
STRENGTHS – “Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
SKILLS – “I have technical skills that will simply take your breath away.”
SKILLS – From an IT Engineer, “Have you tried turning it off and on again?”
EMAIL ADDRESS – hotsexyluv@…….
KEYS SKILLS – keeping family home clean, tidy and hygienaic undertaking basic DIY.operating domestic taskslike cleaning,washing,cooking.dealing with emerengencies smoothly.dealing with health issues,superivsing,supporting,guiding and organising children.
CV GAP – Candidate explained his gap in employment by saying it was because he was getting over the death of his cat for 3 months!
KEY SKILLS – “But wait…there’s more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature.”
PRINTED CV – Candidate sent over their CV printed on the back of their current employers headed company paper
SKILLS – “I can type without looking at thekeyboard.”
JOB HISTORY – “Left last four jobs only because the managers were completely unreasonable”
SKILLS – “I am a rabid typist”
HOBBIES – “My interests include cooking dogs and interesting people”
COVERING LETTER – “I am extremely loyal to my current employer….Feel free to ring my office if you are interested in my CV”
KEY ACHIEVEMENTS – “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
EDUCATION – “I am about to enrol on a Business and Finance Degree with the Open University. I feel that this qualification will prove detrimental to me for future success.”
HOBBIES: “donating blood – 12 litres so far.”
KEY SKILLS: “Assisted with filing, billing, printing and coping”
KEY ACHIEVEMENTS – “Oversight of entire department.”
EDUCATION – “University: August 1890 to May 1993″
WORK EXPERIENCE –“ I’m working today in a furniture factory as a drawer”
EMAIL ADDRESS – homeboy@……
KEY SKILLS – “I have extensive experience with foreign accents.”
QUALIFICATIONS – “Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
COVER LETTER – “Please disregard the attached CV; it’s totally outdated”
REASON FOR LEAVING – “After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work.”
KEY SKILLS – “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Night stalker in Tesco”
HOBBIES – “painting my toenails in varying colours”
JOB HISTORY – “Promoted to area manger to oversee 37 storefronts.”
KEY SKILLS – “I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy.”
COVER LETTER – “I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.”
EMAIL ADDRESS – dumbblonde@…….
AWARDS – “National record for eating 23 pancakes in 2 minutes”
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Child care provider, organised activities; prepared lunches and snakes”
KEY SKILLS – “Good people skills, except when people get on my nerves. Which is hardly ever, no more often than once every ten minutes. ”
COVER LETTER – “I’m submitting the attached copy of my CV for your consumption.”
ACHIEVEMENTS – “Planned building of new building at £2.5 million over budget.”
KEY SKILLS – “I am very used to working with thigh schedules.”
COVERING LETTER – “looking for a party-time position.”
KEY SKILLS – “I am quick at typing, about 30 word pers minute, 45 with strong coffee.”
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”
KEY SKILLS – “I am a tiger when needed, but otherwise a pussycat.”
REASON FOR LEAVING – “I din’t give the company my full effort and received no chance of carer advancement in return.”
COVER LETTER – “I host a superlative proficiency for resolving complex systematic problems. I have pedagogic expertise conducting sales, and I can be quickly utilized as an assiduous, visceral and proactive problem solver.”
REFERENCES – “Clare” (We might need a little more info)
KEY SKILLS – “Very experienced with out-house computers.”
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Responsibilities included recruiting, interviewing and executing final candidates.”
CURRENT SALARY – “£28,000. Salary desired: £170,000.”
KEY SKILLS – “I am a great team player I am”
PERSONAL PROFILE – “I’m a lean, mean, marketing machine”
REASON FOR LEAVING – “Company insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”
HOBBIES – “Running, editing video, cooking, writing and wondering”
COVER LETTER – “I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest convenience to discuss what I can do to your company.”
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Dispensed medication and passed out.”
JOB TITLE – “Ass. Manager.” (Possibly meant assistant manager? At least I hope so.)
KEY SKILLS – “Being bilingual in 3 languages.”
COVER LETTER – “Dear Sir/Modem.”
KEY SKILLS – “My qulifications include close atention to detail.”
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Worked in a office where I carried out my own accountant.”
COVER LETTER – “Sorry for any incontinence.”
GAP IN CV – “Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed.”
DESIRED POSITION – “Profreader.”
KEY SKILLS – “Grate communication skills.”
COVER LETTER – “Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
KEY SKILLS – “I supervise employees with the iron fist!”
COVER SKILLS – “Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Please note from my CV I have 6 years buying, negotiating and sock-control experience”
COVER LETTER -”I’m submitting my CV to spite my lack of C++ and HTML experience”
KEY SKILLS – “Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory.”
HOBBIES – “Relaxing with family and friends watching action movies”
PERSONAL PROFILE – “I wasn’t born – my mother simply chose ‘eject child’ from the special menu.”
REASON FOR LEAVING – “Responsibility makes me nervous”
WORK EXPERIENCE – “Whilst working in the hairdressers I had to deal with a lot of old biddies”
SKILLS – “I have a lot of integrity so I promise not to steal office supplies and take them home.”
EDUCATION – “Have repeated courses repeatedly.”
COVER LETTER – Why should you employ me? I bring doughnuts on Friday.”
WORK EXPERIENCE – ““Filing, billing, printing and coping.”